Good Little Adoptees Must Let Go of Pleasing
Dear friends through adoption,
As I began searching in earnest for my birth mother, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to let go of deep feelings of loyalty to my Mom and Dad. I was loyal to a fault, always wanting to please them and not knowing that beneath it all was attachment disorder symptoms as well as unresolved grief.
Here’s an illustration to let you see what I mean. My parents, Retha and Mike Cook from St. Johns, Michigan, loved to golf. I didn’t like it at all, so when they went golfing, they would let me stay home. Yes, alone….and that’s another story.
One time when they were gone, I got the Pledge and the sweeper and boy, was I going to clean up the house for them. They would be so happy. When dusting my Mom’s dressing table, one of her gorgeous broaches lay open, and before I knew it, that broach was in my little hand (about 8 yrs old) and I was scratching this message into their fine furniture:
“I love you, Mommy” on the right side, and “I love you Daddy” on the left side.
When they got home, I led them through every room to show them how clean it was. When we got to the bedroom and they saw my scratched-in message, my Mom’s chin dropped. “We love you, too,” she stuttered.
If you’re not familiar with attachment disorder, this one is a classic.
Beneath the please-my-parents syndrome, however, was a deep fear of rejection. Would they ever reject me, their only child? My Mom never did, but it was a different story with my Dad later in life.
As adoptees, we need to let go of that need to be loyal to a fault…to please our parents, no matter how much effort it costs us. We need to let go.
This is not easy, but entirely possible!
Let me know about your experience, okay!