One Thing Birth Parents Must Never Say

Dear friends,

I cringe whenever I hear a birth parent say to an adopted or foster child, “The visit with you is just not enough. I want to have you forever.”

Oh, oh.

Beware birth parents.

Even though you mean it for good, if feels like a punch in the gut to us.

Adoptee and foster kid translation?

YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.

What we really need to hear from birth parents is sorrow for hurting us. This kind of comment will melt our hearts and teardown defenses and strongholds.

Make your words drip with reality and repentance:

  • i sm so sorry I left you (Or, that dcs had to remove you from my care, or that I abused drugs and alcohol while I was carrying you.)
  • I am so sorry I hurt you like this.
  • You may wonder why you were taken away.
  • it had nothing bad to do with you…it was about me.
  • You were always more than enough…before you were ever born.
  • Please don’t feel sorry for me because I messed up my life with drugs, alcohol.That is my responsibility.
  • I don’t expect you to love me.
  • You don’t owe me a thing.
  • If  we do spend time together sometime, that will be great. If we can’t, that’s OK too.
  • Just know I love you as best as I am able.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this particular topic.

 

One comment

  • I would love for our sons (now 18 and 22) to hear something from their birthparents. It is my belief that for at least our younger son, contacting his mother (they do know how to find her), no matter what her response, would provide him the ability to face some things, have clearer understanding, and give him the opportunity to become a healthier man as he matures. Because our boys were older when they were removed from their biological family, they do have many memories; however, the younger one in particular, because he was “protected” by older siblings, has told himself messages it would be helpful for him to be released from.

    Like

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