I cringe whenever I hear a birth parent say to an adopted or foster child, “The visit with you is just not enough. I want to have you forever.”
Beware birth parents.
Even though you mean it for good, if feels like a punch in the gut to us.
Adoptee and foster kid translation?
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
What we really need to hear from birth parents is sorrow for hurting us. This kind of comment will melt our hearts and teardown defenses and strongholds.
Make your words drip with reality and repentance:
- i sm so sorry I left you (Or, that dcs had to remove you from my care, or that I abused drugs and alcohol while I was carrying you.)
- I am so sorry I hurt you like this.
- You may wonder why you were taken away.
- it had nothing bad to do with you…it was about me.
- You were always more than enough…before you were ever born.
- Please don’t feel sorry for me because I messed up my life with drugs, alcohol.That is my responsibility.
- I don’t expect you to love me.
- You don’t owe me a thing.
- If we do spend time together sometime, that will be great. If we can’t, that’s OK too.
- Just know I love you as best as I am able.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this particular topic.