What is it my friends, that tips the scale, reminding us that we need healing, not only from the repercussions of relinquishment but also for the need to control.
It’s not difficult to figure out why we’re control freaks. After all, from the beginning of our lives here on planet earth everything seemed out of control. We lost our first moms and dads, were placed into a new home which we didn’t think was too peachy at first, and were labeled as “different” by societal norms.
We’ve fought to have our voices heard and our original birth records legally released. And, maybe if we found that long-lost first mom, we could reverse the “out of control” feeling and erase our adoptedness for good? But, even that didn’t work, at least for me.
Repetition of Original Trauma Dynamics
For me, the tipping of the scale somewhat repeated those complex and painful dynamics of relinquishment, but in current-day life.
I was in a present-day situation I didn’t want. I prayed to get out of it, but the heat only escalated and I said, “God, this isn’t funny.” Circumstances only closed in and I felt as if I’d been painted into a corner. Trapped and nowhere to go.
The discomfort became so intense that I would have done anything to get out of the pressing circumstances. What was happening was that….oh, no…I was being asked to give up control of things and people in my life that were key players. Key players that were hurting me.
MRI for Adopted Hearts
And, the only way I could get out of the painted corner was to forgive the people I hated for the hurts I didn’t deserve. I needed to see “the ugly” inside my adoptee heart, and if there were such a thing as a MRI for the Adopted Heart, mine would show toxic anger, hate, and bitterness.
Author Lewis Smedes says in FORGIVE AND FORGET: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve: “Hate is a tiger snarling in the soul. Hate is our natural response to any deep and unfair pain. Hate is our instinctive backlash against anyone who wounds us wrongly. ”
Our Greatest Hurt
I believe for we adoptees, the greatest hurt we didn’t deserve was being separated from our first moms. We had no choice. No babies can choose where they’ll end up. And, no matter how “delightful” the adoption hand-off was, no matter if our first moms held us a few days and cried buckets of tears, no matter if we’re told it was her loving decision, our adopted hearts just don’t agree. We’re wounded with a wound deeper than death or divorce.
Thus, by staying in control with pressing current-day circumstances, we’re building walls against what will bring healing, both currently and with original trauma experiences.
Building walls keeps us in control and away from the one decision of our wills to heal, no matter the cost.
Willingness to Forgive Undeserved Hurts
What is the decision? To forgive our first moms for creating an epic loss. No, we didn’t deserve such a hurt, but we do need to climb out of the trauma crater it created in our souls.
But, what about the painted in a corner times?
In my “”painted into the corner” present-day circumstances, the dynamics of that first epic loss and relinquishment knocked at the door of forgiveness.
When I forgave the people in everyday life, God in his graciousness healed me all the way to the bottom of my hurt–the loss of my first mom.
I never knew healing was possible and I am so grateful to be enjoying healing of memories and perspectives.
And, so my conclusion is: Giving up control is saying yes to forgiving others for the hurts we don’t deserve.