I AM CONFUSED ABOUT MY IDENTITY: Online Adoptee Bible Study

Who Am I, Anyway?

Is it any wonder that many adoptees and foster kids struggle with their identity? Two sets of parents? To whom do I belong? And, what do I get from whom?

Moses also struggled, so take heart, friends.

The Scripture Base for Moses’ Life

Exodus 3:1-6

 1 Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. 2 There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. 3 So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.”  4 When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!” And Moses said, “Here I am.” 5 “Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” 6 Then he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. 

The Story of Moses 

One lonely night when Moses was tending the flock of Jethro, his father-in-law, he led the sheep to the far side of the desert and came to the mountain of God. All of a sudden, a blazing light broke the darkness. “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a blazing bush” (3:2). 

Moses stopped dead in his tracks with his eyes fixed on the burning bush. “Why is it so bright? Why doesn’t the scraggly little thing burn up? Why don’t the shooting flames extinguish?” he may have asked himself. 

“I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up” Moses said to himself (v. 3). When the Lord saw that he was coming to check it out, he called to him from within the bush, “Moses. Moses”(v. 4)! “Here I am,” Moses said, wondering where the voice was coming from (v. 4b). “Do not come any closer. Take off your sandals, for the place you are standing is holy ground” (v. 5). “Holy ground?” Moses may have said, furrowing his brows. “WHAT is holy ground?” “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob” (v. 6). 

“The God of my father?” Moses may have said. “Which father? My birth father or my adoptive father? I get so confused whenever family heritage is discussed.” 

“When I was young,” he may have thought, “my birth parents probably taught me about the God of Israel, but my adoptive mother taught me about the Egyptian gods. I am so confused.”

  1. Do you think Moses had any idea that God was involved in his adoption?

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  1. When the voice said, “I am the God of your father,” do you think he was aware of a God who was alive and who spoke to individuals?

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How Moses Saw God 

Moses had yet to learn about El-Olam, God of eternity, or God, the Everlasting One. His sovereignty extends through the passing of time and beyond our ability to see or understand. Moses would have to learn to trust in God’s sovereign plan in allowing his life to be touched by adoption. 

How You See God

Please refer to the list of Names for Jesus in Scripture in Appendix B and list three to five names for God that stand out to you. It will be encouraging to look back when finished with the workbook and see how your perception has grown!

You can record your words here:

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How Other Adoptees Feel 

Check the statements which are most meaningful to you and explain why on the lines that follow: 

  • When others ask about my nationality, I am so embarrassed. I don’t even know what it is. 
  • Before my adoptive parents died they told me that I would inherit all that they had. I didn’t even want it. It didn’t seem like it was mine. 
  • I absolutely hate it when our class is asked to do a family tree assignment. My family tree has no pattern. It would have to be two trees instead of one. 
  • When our class is asked to bring an ethnic dish to pass, I feel like I can’t bring anything. 
  • Who are my real parents? 
  • I feel like an alien. 
  • None of the above. 

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Learning about Adoption 

One night at a dinner party I listened as my host mused about his children: his son looks like his grandfather, but does not have his disposition; his first daughter has his reserved and deep nature; his second daughter looks like his wife’s brother and shares his interest in science. Without being conscious of it, he was telling me how his children are connected to the family. Adopted children never hear their parents make such conversation. They don’t know who they resemble or who resembles them, whose interests and talents they share. They suffer from what is called ‘genealogical bewilderment’—a lack of knowledge of one’s real parents and ancestors.

–Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton

Putting my Feelings and Needs into Words 

  1. Do you ever feel like an “alien?” Like you weren’t really born, but were just dropped into your adoptive family? Explain.

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  1. How does it feel not to share looks or personality with your adoptive family?

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  1. If you were asked to draw your family tree, how would you do it? Draw it below:

How did you feel when drawing the family tree? 

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  1. Do you believe you have a “dual identity” because you were adopted? If so, how will you get a true sense of who you really are? 

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Writing a Letter TO and FROM My Birth Mother 

  • Write a letter TO your birth mother about your confusion about your identity, if you struggle with this. If not, write her about what stood out to you in this chapter. 
  • Write a letter FROM your birth mother, expressing feelings and thoughts she may want to convey to you. 

My Birth Mother

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Digging Deep for Answers to My Adoption Questions 

  1. Read Romans 8:28-29…”And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” What does God promise to do in and through the confusing things of life for those who belong to him?

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  1. Read Romans 11:17…”If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root.” How could you liken this verse to adoption? Who is the wild olive shoot?

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  1. What does this verse say happened to you? What specific word describes the shoot’s relationship to the tree (hint: it starts with “g”)? 

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  1. With application to adoption, what does the olive shoot receive from the root? Who do you think the root is and what does the shoot receive from it?

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  1. What does God promise you will become? See Isaiah 61:3b…”They will be called oaks of righteousness,  a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

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  1. What is the “take away” from this chapter? How will your life change?

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Thoughts, Insights, Goals and Prayers 

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Our confusion about our identity often results in a drive to be perfect. We will talk about that next. 

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CAPITULO CINCO

“Estoy confundido sobre mi identidad”

Éxodo 3
La Historia de Moisés

Una noche solitaria cuando Moisés estaba cuidando la manada de Jetro, su suegro, guió a los corderos al otro extremo del desierto y llego a la montaña de Dios. De repente una luz flameante interrumpió la oscuridad. “Estando allí, el ángel del Señor se le apareció entre las llamas de un arbusto ardiente.” (3:2)

Moisés se paro como muerto con sus ojos fijos en el arbusto ardiente. “¿Por qué está tan brillante? ¿Por qué no se quema ésta pequeña cosa? ¿Por qué no se apagan las llamas?

“Voy a ir a ver éste sitio tan extraño- porqué no se consume el arbusto” Moisés se dijo a si mismo. (v.3)

“Cuando el Señor vio que Moisés se acercaba a mirar, lo llamó desde el arbusto, ¡Moisés, Moisés!” (v. 4)

“Aquí me tienes” respondió Moisés, preguntándose de donde venía la voz. (v. 4b) “No te acerques más. Quítate las sandalias, porque estás pisando tierra santa” (v 5).

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“¿Tierra santa?” Moisés pudiera haber dicho, frunciendo sus cejas. “¿Qué es tierra santa?”

“Yo soy el Dios de tu padre. Soy el Dios de Abraham, de Isaac y de Jacob.” (v 6)

“¿El Dios de mi padre?” Moisés pudiera haber dicho. “¿Cual padre? ¿Mi padre de nacimiento o mi padre adoptivo? Me confundo tanto cuando se discute sobre mi historia familiar.”

“Cuando yo era joven”, el pudiera haber pensado, “mis padres de nacimiento probablemente me enseñaron acerca del Dios de Israel, pero mi madre adoptivo me enseñó a cerca de los dioses Egipcios. Estoy muy confundido.”

1. ¿Piensas que Moisés tenía alguna idea de que Dios estaba involucrado en su Adopción?

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2. ¿Cuando la voz dijo “Yo soy el Dios de tu padre,” piensas que Moisés estaba consciente de un Dios que estaba vivo y hablaba con los individuos?

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Como Moisés Vio a Dios

Moisés todavía tenía que aprender acerca El-OLAM, el Dios de la eternidad, o Dios, El Eterno. Su soberanía se extiende a través del tiempo y más allá de nuestra habilidad para ver o entender. Moisés tendrá que aprender a tener confianza en el plan soberano de Dios en permitir que su vida se relacione con la adopción.

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Como Sienten Otros Hijos Adoptivos

  • Cuando otros me preguntan sobre mi nacionalidad, siento pena. Ni siquiera sé lo que es.
  • Antes que mis padres adoptivos murieran, me dijeron que yo heredaría todo que ellos tenían. Ni siquiera lo quería. No me parecía que fuera mía.
  • Odio en absoluto cuando en la escuela nos piden hacer un árbol genealógico. Mi árbol genealógico no sigue una norma. Tendrían que ser dos árboles en lugar que uno.
  • Cuando en mi salón de clases nos piden traer un platillo étnico para compartir, siento que no puedo traer nada.
  • ¿Quienes son mis padres verdaderos?
  • Me siento como un forastero.
  • Ninguna de las de arriba.

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Aprendiendo Sobre la Adopción

Betty Jean Lifton, escribe en su libro Jornada del Ser Adoptivo. “Un noche durante la cena en una fiesta yo estaba escuchando al anfitrión hablar sobre sus hijos: su hijo perece a su abuelo, pero no tiene su carácter; su primera hija tiene un naturaleza reservada y profunda; su segunda hija se perece al hermano de su esposa y comparte su interés el las ciencias. Sin estar consciente de eso, el me estaba platicando como sus hijos estaban conectados a la familia. Los hijos adoptivos nunca oyen a sus padres conversar así. No saben a quien se parecen o quien se perece a ellos, quienes comparten sus intereses y talentos. Ellos sufren lo que se llama “Separación genealógica” – una falta de conocimiento de los padres y ancestros reales.”

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Poniendo Mis Sentimientos y Necesidades en Palabras

  1. ¿Alguna vez te has sentido como un “extraño”? ¿Cómo que realmente nunca naciste, sino que solamente fuiste colocado dentro de tu familia adoptiva? Explica. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
  2. ¿Cómo se siente el hecho de no tener el mismo aspecto o la personalidad de tu familia adoptiva? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
  3. ¿Si te pidieran dibujar tu árbol genealógico, como los harías? Dibújalo en el espacio asignado.

4 ¿Como sentiste cuando estabas dibujando tu árbol genealógico? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

5. ¿Crees que tienes una “doble identidad” porque fuiste adoptado? ¿Si es así, como vas a lograr tener el verdadero sentido de quien realmente eres? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

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Escribiendo Una Carta a Mi Madre de Nacimiento

  1. Escribe una carta PARA tu madre de nacimiento acerca de tu confusión sobre tu identidad, si es que luchas con esto. Si no, escribe sobre lo que te pareció destaco en esta capitulo. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
  2. Escribe una carta DE tu madre de nacimiento, expresando sentimientos y pensamientos que ella quisiera transmitirte.___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Profundizando a Fondo para las Respuestas a mis Preguntas Sobre Adopción.

  1. Lee Romanos 8:28-29. ¿Qué es lo que Dios promete hacer dentro y a través de las cosas confusas de la vida para quienes le pertenecen? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
  2. Lee Romanos 11.17. ¿Cómo puedes comparar este verso a la adopción? ¿Quién es el renuevo del olivo silvestre? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
  3. ¿Qué es lo que este verso dice que te sucedió¡ ¿Qué palabra especifica describe la relación del renuevo con el árbol? (empieza con “i”) _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
  4. Aplicado lo a la adopción, ¿Qué es lo que recibe el renuevo recibe de la raíz? ¿Quien crees que es la raíz y que es lo que recibe el renuevo? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________
  5. ¿Qué es en lo que Dios promete que te convertirás? Ver Isaías 61:3b _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

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6. ¿Qué es lo que te llevas al completar esta capitulo? ¿Cómo va a cambiar tu vida?

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Pensamientos, Percepciones, Metas y

Oraciones

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Nuestra confusión sobre la identidad frecuentemente resulta en un deseo para ser perfectos. Vamos a hablar sobre esto en el siguiente capitulo.

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I SOMETIMES FANTASIZE ABOUT MY BIRTH MOTHER. Online Adoptee Bible Study

I Shouldn't Tell Mom How Often I Think About My First Mom

Because tomorrow is Mother’s Day, this chapter is extremely applicable. Mother’s Day can be challenging for adoptees and foster kids. Perhaps this chapter will give you as parents a tool to talk about feelings and perspectives.

I realize the popular term now for birth mother is first mother, so apologies sent. This workbook was published back in the day:-)

The Scripture Base for Moses’ Life

Exodus 2:16-23

16 Now a priest of Midian had seven daughters, and they came to draw water and fill the troughs to water their father’s flock. 17 Some shepherds came along and drove them away, but Moses got up and came to their rescue and watered their flock. 

 18 When the girls returned to Reuel their father, he asked them, “Why have you returned so early today?” 

 19 They answered, “An Egyptian rescued us from the shepherds. He even drew water for us and watered the flock.” 

 20 “And where is he?” Reuel asked his daughters. “Why did you leave him? Invite him to have something to eat.” 

 21 Moses agreed to stay with the man, who gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses in marriage. 22 Zipporah gave birth to a son, and Moses named him Gershom, saying, “I have become a foreigner in a foreign land.” 

 23 During that long period, the king of Egypt died. The Israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God. 24 God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. 25 So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them. 

The Story of Moses 

On his way to the backside of the desert to a place called Midian, Moses met and then married a woman named Zipporah. She bore him a son, and Moses named him Gershom, which means, “I have become an alien in a foreign land” (v. 22). 

In this new life as a married man and father, Moses became a shepherd for his father-in-law, Jethro. Needless to say, it was a cultural shock going from a pampered life in a palace to tending sheep in the hills of Midian. 

While tending sheep, he could slip away into a state of fantasy. At times he would imagine himself being rescued and loved by a strong, compassionate person. At other times, he envisioned himself as a member of a happy family gathered around the fireside, laughing and singing. 

Sooner or later, however, the euphoria from the fantasies turned into disappointment, frustration and anger. Even though the happy family and nurturing person were within sight through fantasy, they were just out of reach in real life. 

Moses had no idea that he was subconsciously grieving for the family he lost at adoption. One evening when Moses was deep in thought, bright orange flames illuminated the sky. For the first time in his life, his attention was drawn away from the fantasy to a power greater than his pain.

How Moses Saw God 

Moses probably knew only about dead Egyptian gods that he had been taught about in his adoptive home. He had no idea that there was a living God who was drawing him into a personal relationship. He had come face to face with Jehovah-Shammah, the God who makes his presence real and felt. “If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and him with me” (Revelation 3:20b). 

How You See God

Please refer to the list of Names for Jesus in Scripture in Appendix B and list three to five names for God that stand out to you. It will be encouraging to look back when finished with the workbook and see how your perception has grown!

You can record your words here:

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How Other Adoptees Feel 

My Fantasy

The non-identifying information fact sheet tells me,

as I scan it for the millionth time

for the answers to my questions,

that reading, golf, and water-skiing

were their hobbies.

The irony of it,

for they are mine as well.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to share just one

sun-soaked afternoon on the lake

with my knight in shining armor,

and the woman whose face I search for in a crowd? 

–Amy van der Vleit, adoptee

I was growing without a foundation—a tree without roots. I felt alienated and as I grew, so did my need to know. I often envisioned my biological father as a princely figure, a charming knight in shining armor who could solve any problem I ever had. As I continued through life, I pushed these thoughts to the back of my consciousness, yet still he found his way into my dreams. In one particularly vivid dream, we were in a peaceful green meadow with tall grass and multi-colored flowers. This is what I envision heaven to be. He was on one side of a small wooden fence, I on the other. I could not distinguish the features on his face, but he was tall and blonde, like an angel.

–Tammy Kling, adoptee 

I never thought I would meet him first. I thought it would be her, the beautiful phantom Barbie doll who stole my hidden fantasies and my darkest nightmares. But in the end, it was my biological father who became real first—the shadowy, formless life-giver whom I, as an adopted child, rarely thought of. My defenses wrote him off as a classic gun-and-run teenage father. I assumed he simply would have farmed me out to grandmothers or aunts for raising, had he nabbed custody.

–Tamara Kerrill , adoptee

I have had difficulty bringing my birth mother down to earth. I have loved her and hated her, but she has always lived above the clouds. Everyone’s mother initially resides with the gods, but she usually comes down to earth when the weather clears. Repression has a way of keeping the weather inclement. Also, one more reluctantly leaves a goddess if he has never lived with her…we search more for our image of the person we have lost than for the actual person.

–Second Choice autobiography by Robert Anderson, M.D., adoptee 

“I always liked TV shows oriented toward the ideal family. In fact, I got obsessed with them. I was looking for loving, caring parents that I made up in my mind. I fantasized about my birth mother. She lived in a brick home, but had no face.”

–Greg Ebert, adoptee

Check the statements which are most meaningful to you and explain why on the lines that follow: 

  • I need to be able to verbalize my fantasies. 
  • My deepest fantasy is to be held in my birth mother’s arms. 
  • I don’t know if I have adoption fantasies. 
  • I have always feared that my birth mother would be a bag lady. 
  • I need to learn that fantasy is a normal aspect of an adoptee’s emotional life. 
  • I need to know that I need not feel guilty for having adoption fantasies, for without them, the pain would have been unbearable. 

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Learning about Adoption 

Adopted children spend an exorbitant amount of psychic time in fantasy. They may seem to be sitting quietly in their rooms, or just looking out the window, when really they are deep in the Ghost Kingdom imagining scenarios that might have been or still might be…These fantasies are not just the passing fancies with which most people empower themselves at various periods of their lives but actual reality for the adoptee’s inner, secret self. They are the mother replacement: the comfort zone that the mother did not provide. They serve the function of the surrogate rag doll that experiential monkeys are given after their real mother has been taken away. They are also a form of grieving, of conjuring up the lost mother, in the same way that children grieving for lost parents are known to conjure up their ghosts. Adoptee fantasies serve a different purpose from those of the non-adopted: they are an attempt to repair one’s broken life-narrative, to dream it along.

–Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton

Putting My Feelings and Needs into Words 

  1. Have you idealized certain men or women (mentors, teachers, priests, rabbis, pastors, parents of friends)? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 
  2. What are your expectations for yourself and for others?

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  1. Do you have any repetitive nightmares? If so, describe. 

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  1. Do people tend to disappoint you? When? How? 

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  1. Are you ever so deep in thought that you miss turns while you are driving? If so, describe. 

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  1. Is there anyone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your fantasies? If not, who would be a possibility? 

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  1. Many adoptees say that their deepest fantasy is to be held in their birth mothers’ arms. Do you identify with this? If so, how do you think it would be? If not, what is your deepest adoption fantasy? 

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  1. Draw a picture with your left hand of what you think it would be like to have never been adopted and to have grown up with your birth family. Then explain it to the person you are working through this workbook with, if you feel comfortable doing so. 

Writing a Letter TO and FROM my Birth Mother

  • Write a letter TO your birth mother, describing fantasies (dreams) about what she is like.
  • Write a letter of response FROM your birth mother, revealing what you think her deepest fantasies would be about you and how you think she would respond to your fantasies about her.

 Letters TO and FROM My Birth Mother

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Digging Deep for Answers to my Adoption Questions 

  1. Read Philippians 4:19…”And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” What does God promise to do with the gaping hole in your heart that causes you to fantasize? 

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  1. What does God promise will happen if you trust him to heal you from the need to have adoption fantasies? See Psalm 22:5…”To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.”

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  1. How will your life change this week as a result of working through this chapter? 

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Thoughts, Insights, Goals and Prayers 

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As adoptees, we need not be ashamed of the adoption fantasies we have entertained about the perfect family or parent. They were God’s gift to keep us safe from unbearable pain until we were ready to deal with the grief.

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CAPITULO

CUATRO

“Algunas Veces Tengo Fantasías Sobre mi Familia de Nacimiento”

Éxodo 2
La Historia de Moisés

Durante su jornada en el desierto hacia un lugar llamado Madián, Moisés conoció y luego se casó con una mujer llamado Séfora. Ella le dio un hijo y Moisés lo llamo Guersón, que quiere decir “Soy un extranjero en tierra extraña.”

En su nueva vida como hombre casado y padre, Moisés trabajó como pastor para su suegro, Jetro. Sin embargo era un cambio cultural en su vida, de ser un hombre rico en un palacio a la de un pastor cuidando ovejas en las colinas de Madián.

Mientras Moisés estaba cuidando ovejas, podía pasar el rato en un estado de fantasía. Algunas veces, se imaginaba a el mismo siendo rescatado y amado por una persona fuerte y compasiva. Otras veces, el se veía a si mismo como miembro de una familia feliz reunida alrededor de una fogata, riendo y cantando.

Tarde o temprano, entonces, ésta euforia acerca de las fantasías se volvió en engaño, frustración y enojo. Aún cuando ésta familia feliz y la persona que lo crió estaban vistos el la fantasía, estaban fuera de su alcance en la vida real.

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Moisés no tenia idea que inconscientemente estaba de luto por la familia que el perdió en por su adopción.

Una noche cuando Moisés estaba pensando profundamente, una llama de color naranja brillante ilumino el cielo. Por primera vez en su vida, su atención cambió de la fantasía hacia un poder más grande que su dolor.

Como Moisés Vio a Dios

Probablemente Moisés sabia solamente de los dioses Egipcios muertos que le enseñaron en su hogar adoptivo. El no tenia idea que había un Dios vivo quien lo estaba llamando a una relación personal. El llegó cara a cara con Jehová-Shammah, El Dios que hace su presencia real y que se siente. “Si alguno oye mi voz y abre la puerta, entraré, y comeré con él, y él conmigo.” (Apocalipsis 3:20b).

Como Sienten Otros Hijos Adoptivos

Mi Fantasía Amy van der Vleit

La hoja de hechos no identificados me dice, Mientras la escaneo por la millonésima vez Por la respuestas a mis preguntas, Que leer, jugar golf y esquiar en el agua Eran sus pasatiempos.
La ironía de esto,
Es que también son mis pasatiempos ¿No sería hermoso a compartirpage41image1646614429

solamente una
Tarde llena del sol sobre un lago Con mi caballero y su armadura brillante Y la mujer a quien busco su cara Entre las multitudes?

“Yo estaba creciendo sin cimiento – un árbol sin raíces. Me sentí enajenado y mientras crecía, también creció mi necesidad a saber. Frecuentemente tengo visiones de mi padre biológico como un príncipe, un caballero encantador con su armadura brillante, quien resolvería cualquier problema que yo pudiera tener. Al continuar con mi vida, fui empujando estos pensamientos al fondo de mi consciencia, sin embargo, el encontró su camino en mis sueños. En un sueño particularmente intenso, estábamos en una pradera verde, llena de paz con pasto alto y flores de muchos colores. Así es como yo imagino al Paraíso. El estaba de un lado de una cerca de madera y yo del otro lado. Yo no pude distinguir los facciones de su cara pero el era alto y rubio, como un ángel.”

-Tammy Kling
“Yo nunca pensé que lo conocería a el primero. Pensé que iba a ser a ella, a la hermosa fantasma muñeca Barbie que robó mis fantasías escondidas y mis pesadillas más obscuras. Pero al final, era mi padre biológico quien se hizo real. La vivificante sombra, sin forma en quien yo, como un hijo adoptivo, raramente pensaba. Mis defensas lo clasifican como un clásico padre adolescente irresponsable. Si hubiera tenido custodia de

mi, me hubiera regalado a sus abuelos o tías para criarme.”

-Tamara Kerrill

Robert Anderson, MD, en su autobiografía, Segunda Elección escribe, “Yo siempre he tenido dificultades para colocar a mi madre de nacimiento con sus pies en la tierra. La he amado y odiado, pero ella siempre ha vivido arriba de las nubes. La madre de cada uno vive inicialmente con los dioses, pero ella normalmente baja a la tierra cuando el clima es bueno. La represión actúa de una manera para mantener siempre un clima inclemente. También, uno no esta dispuesto a dejar a una diosa si nunca ha vivido con ella…buscamos mas por una imagen de la persona que hemos perdido que por la persona actual”.

“Siempre me gustaron los programas del televisión orientado a la familia ideal. De hecho, me obsesioné con ellos. Siempre buscando unos padres amorosos y cariñosos que fabriqué en mi mente. Yo tenía fantasías sobre mi madre de nacimiento. Ella vivía en una casa de ladrillos, pero no tenia cara.”

-Greg Ebert

  • Necesito poder verbalizar mis fantasías.
  • Mi fantasía mas profundo es de estar en los brazos de mI madre denacimiento.
  • No se si tengo fantasías de adopción.
  • Siempre he tenido el miedo que mi madre de nacimiento sea una mujerque viva en la calle.

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• Necesito aprender que la fantasía es un aspecto normal de la vida emocional de un hijo adoptivo.

• Necesito saber que no me necesito sentir culpable por tener fantasías sobre la adopción, porque sin ellas, el dolor sería insoportable.

1. ¿Con cuales de los frases de arriba te identificas y porque?

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Aprendiendo Sobre la Adopción

Betty Jean Lifton, en su libro Jornada del Ser Adoptivo, escribe, “Hijos adoptivos gasten un cantidad exorbitante de tiempo psíquico en la fantasía. Puede parecer que están quietos sentados en su cuarto o solamente viendo por la ventana, cuando realmente están profundamente en su Reino Fantasma imaginando escenarios que pudieron haber o todavía pueden ser. Estas fantasías no son solamente ideales pasajeros en los cuales la gente se fortifica en varios periodos de su vida, son la realidad actual para el ser interno y secreto del hijo adoptivo. Estas fantasías son el emplazamiento de su madre: la zona confortable que la madre no le dió. Tienen la función de la muñeca de trapos que dan a los changos en experimentos después que les han quitado a sus madres reales. También son una forma de duelo, de conjurar a la madre perdida. En la misma manera que hijos en luto por sus padres perdidos conjuran a sus fantasmas. Las fantasías de hijos adoptivos tienen un propósito diferente que las de los hijos que no son adoptivos: Las fantasías de los hijos adoptivos son un intento de reparar la narrativa de su vida interrumpida, para hacerlas un sueño.

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Poniendo Mis Sentimientos y Necesidades en Palabras

1.

2.

1.

2.

3.

4.

¿Has idealizado ciertos hombres o mujeres? (guías, maestros, sacerdotes, Rabinos, pastores, padres de amigos)

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

¿Cuáles son tus expectativas para a ti mismo y para los demás? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

¿Tienes algunas pesadillas repetidas? Si es así, descríbelas. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

¿La gente tienda a desilusionarte? ¿Cuándo? ¿Cómo? __________________________________________________________________

¿Algunas veces estás pensando tan profundamente que equivocas el lugar donde dar la vuelta cuando estas manejando un coche? Si es así descríbelo. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

¿Hay alguien con quien te sientes cómodo para compartir tus fantasías? Si no, ¿quien sería una posibilidad? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

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  1. Muchos hijos adoptivos dicen que su fantasía mas profunda es estar en los brazos de su madre. ¿Te identificas con esto? Si es así, ¿Cómo piensas que sería? Si no ¿Cuál es tu fantasía mas profunda acerca de la adopción? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  2. Haz un dibujo con tu mano izquierda de como piensas que sería el hecho de nunca haber sido adoptado y de haber crecido con tu familia de nacimiento. Después explícalo a la persona con quien estas trabajando en esta manual, solamente si te sientes cómodo.

Escribiendo Una Carta a Mi Madre de Nacimiento

1. Escribe una carta PARA tu madre de nacimiento, describiendo tus fantasías (Sueños) sobre como es ella.

______________________________________________________________

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______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

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2. Escribe una carta de respuesta DE tu madre de nacimiento revelando lo que piensas que serían sus fantasías mas profundas acerca de ti y como piensas que ella contestaría a tus fantasías acerca de ella. ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

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Profundizando a Fondo para las Respuestas a mis Preguntas Sobre Adopción.

1. Lee Filipenses 4:19 ¿Qué es lo que Dios promete hacer con ese hoyo adentro de tu corazón que te causa fantasear? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

2. ¿Qué es lo que Dios promete que pasará si tienes fe en que El te sanará de la necesidad de tener fantasías sobre la adopción? Ver Salmo 22:5

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

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3. ¿Cómo va a cambiar tu vida ésta semana como resultado de completar éste capitulo?

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Pensamientos, Percepciones, Metas y

Oraciones

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Como hijos adoptivos, no necesitamos tener vergüenza de las fantasías que hemos tenido sobre la adopción y de la familia o padre perfecto. Ellos eran un regalo de Dios para salvarnos de un dolor insoportable hasta que estuvimos listos a enfrentarlos. Porque hemos gastados tiempo en la fantasía, podemos estar confundidos sobre nuestra identidad. Vamos hablar acerca de esto en el siguiente capitulo.

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Who’s That Little Girl, Anyway?

How Can Adoptees Grow In Self Awareness?

Imagine being given an assignment to find someone you’ve never met, but someone with whom you have an unknown connection. 

The person you’re searching for is a female toddler who lives in a bungalow on a prestigious, tree-lined street. She’ll be sitting on the porch steps alone. 

 “Who’s that little girl, anyway?” you may ask yourself. Why am I searching for her?

There are mysteries surrounding this child that you must solve, even if it takes decades. 

Mysteries such as the soldier who walked by her house daily, peering in, like he’s searching for someone. Or, the superintendent of records who kept her hospital records sealed permanently.

There is much shame and pain that this child endured before being adopted. When you solve the mysteries, her life will transform from being nameless to shameless. 

Beneath the complexities surrounding her birth were threads of the divine that were always present, but not visible. Always in the details, but no one would remember. Always faithful, but not obvious.

Don’t worry, my friend. You’ll know this child the moment you see her. She’ll be donned in a pink collared dress, a ruffled bonnet, well-worn white high-top leather shoes, and saggy lace stockings. 

The clincher is that she’ll be holding her rag doll close to her heart. Embed that scene in your long-term memory, for the doll is the key for unlocking the message of comfort that you’ll communicate when the child becomes an adult.

You must be aware that she’s not the biological child of her parents, Retha and Mike, who adopted her ten days after birth. You must also know that she was a failure-to- thrive baby with special emotional and physical needs, such as sensory and learning issues.  

Early in life, her parents told her she was adopted.  As an adult, this child remembered hearing her story for the first time on the dark green French-knotted couch in the living room. 

Sharon was the name they chose, with the middle name of Lee, after her adoptive grandmother named Leah.  Little did her parents know that this  Biblical name would take on significance later in life.

Leah was a bucksome, high-spirited social worker for the county, who single-handedly operated the County Children’s home. Abandoned and abused children hoped to find refuge there.  

No one could have ever imagined that the friendships Sharon experienced in this County Children’s Home would prepare her for her life’s work in the field of adoption and foster care. 

Could That Little Girl Be My Patient?

When a county physician contacted Leah about the possibility of helping a distraught pregnant woman named Marjorie, she agreed. 

Apparently, the woman needed shelter in a local birth mother’s home until her delivery three months later.

Marjorie wanted nothing more than to put the unplanned pregnancy behind her. This certainly would be a closed chapter and a wise move toward saving her marriage. If her husband found out she was carrying a baby that wasn’t his, he’d insist on abortion.   

The next day, Leah consulted with the physician and Marjorie, a beautiful, dark-haired woman in her early twenties. Within 30 short minutes, she claimed rape by a stranger, and refused to reveal the man’s identity. 

There would be absolutely no contact with the baby after delivery- no verbal comunication of the baby’s sex and total privacy about her hospital stay. 

When labor began, Marjorie contacted Leah and the physician, who met her at the hospital. After the last push, Marjorie was drugged and wheeled away, never to be reminded of her baby again, or so she thought.

The daughter she left behind felt something warm dripping on her newborn chest. Something wet. Something comforting. Something sacred. It was the physician’s tears.

No one would know this until many years later when the physician’s granddaughter revealed that he wept at the birth of every baby he delivered, and that he was an orphan himself.

Years later, the baby, now grown, would write about those tears.

Warm tears landed on my newborn body, like a spring rain. 

 I wanted to feel them forever.

To my once-orphaned delivery doctor, life was something to be celebrated, to shed happy tears over.

I couldn’t wait to feel his tears again.

What was it about those tears that soaked into my soul?

Were they saturated with hope and comfort? Were they bright lights at the end of the traumatic tunnel of living my first nine months of life in the womb of a mother who fantasized abortion? Or, were they seeds, planted in secret to produce a great harvest later in life?

Whatever it was, I wanted more.

Orphan doctor held me up, gazed into my big brown eyes, and smiled.

My five-pound body relaxed in his big, soft hands, like a hammock on a summer’s day. I wanted to stay there forever and gaze at the clouds.

But then, the nurse bent close to the orphan-doctor’s ear and whispered something.  

Orphan doctor’s eyes pooled with tears, again.

What did she whisper?

Was there something wrong with me?

Was I ugly?

Was I too little?

Is that why she suddenly whisked me off to a dimly-lit room where pleading and  plaintiff  newborn cries hovered, like smog in LA?

Where were those large, gentle hands that first touched my five-pound body?

Where were the warm tears that celebrated my life and birth?

Where was the orphan doctor, who welcomed me to planet earth with tears?

Then, the nurse shoved me into a box of glass. I kicked and screamed bloody murder.  

I cried and cried, but the sounds bounced back, like ping pong balls.

Where is the orphan doctor?

Why doesn’t he come?

And, so I give up and go inside. It’s safe there.

Thus, the orphan doctor wouldn’t appear again in the hospital, but stopped by every week for a year to see how Baby Sharon was doing.

Could That Little Girl Be My Granddaughter?

After saying goodbye to Marjorie at the hospital, Leah wondered, “Who’s that little girl, anyway?” Who’s this precious little life that hasn’t even been given a name?  

There was something about this newborn that convinced Leah she was going to be her grandmother. Her dark hair, her olive skin, her tinyness, her need for a family and a forever home. 

The scene of the attending nurse wrapping the newborn in soft blankets and placing her in an incubator stressed Leah. And, when the nurse placed a sign that said, “Baby X”, she couldn’t hold the tears back.

Retha and Mike lived just a block from the hospital, so she drove her big black Buick onto their gravel driveway and eagerly knocked at the front door. As usual, she could see them run to meet her through the three little door windows.

With bated breath, she relayed the story about the precious newborn that needed parents and a home.

Retha and Mike said yes. 

Could That Little Girl  Be Me?

Now, I’m going to reveal my total weirdness to you. It may sound way out to you, and that’s fine. It may have innuendos of “inner child” work which I’ve deemed ridiculous for years. Or, it may help you to see the healing process of one adopted adult.

You see, friend, right there in my closet when choosing clothes for the day, I saw something strange. There was a mother and daughter standing off to my left. The mother wasn’t moving, but the pathetic-looking child next to her couldn’t stop wiping the never-ending snot from her nose.

Drawing my chin to my chest and breathing deeply,  I concluded, “What an ugly kid. I’m sure glad she’s not in my life.” 

Then, I tried to process the weird experience. Could  the mom be my mom? Nope, no resemblance. Okay, was I the mom? Not a chance, for, my two daughters were never disheveled.

Oh, no.

Does that mean I’m that disgusting child? Could I really be that child?

And then, just like a megaphone, I heard, “Will you parent her?”

How repugnant. I felt nothing but aversion for this child. and even if she were the Moses of modern day floating in a basket on the Nile, I’d let the alligators eat her for lunch.

But, could this be my calling to parent this child? If it’s my calling, I don’t want it, nor her.

And, who exactly is this child?

I am.

 Deep inside, I am.

And the rag doll? 

Why am I holding it close to my heart?

Because the rag dolly got left behind.

She needs a new mommy and I will be her mommy. 

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Suggested Resource: 20 LIFE-TRANSFORMING CHOICES ADOPTEES NEED TO MAKE: https://sherrieeldridgeadoption.blog/shop

Adoptees Can Choose
Quite often, because of trauma, adoptees see themselves as victims. They need to learn to make choices that lead away from victimy thinking and onto their life purpose.

“I BLOW UP EASILY AND HURT OTHERS” Online Adoptee Bible Study

WHATS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I SO ANGRY?

Many adopted children and adults struggle with anger, and to most, it seems uncontrollable. Others wonder if there’s something wrong with them, for their friends don’t have such a problem with rage.

The Scripture Base for Moses’ Life

Exodus 2:11-25

 11 One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. 12 Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. 13 The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, “Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?” 

 14 The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.” 

 15 When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian, where he sat down by a well. 

The Story of Moses 

Moses is now an adult, quite a puzzling adult, to others as well as himself. Word had it that as a child he had a short fuse. Temper tantrums in the palace were common, accompanied by deep hostility toward Hatshepsut, his adoptive mother. From where did this anger come? And why was his adoptive mother usually the target? One day Moses’ anger hit an all-time high when he saw an Egyptian brutally abusing a Hebrew slave. As he watched the man being ruthlessly kicked and beaten, he snuck up from behind and grabbed the Egyptian by the neck. He began punching him mercilessly, first in the face, then in the stomach. Within seconds, the Egyptian was dead. The other Hebrew man who was there fled as Moses looked frantically from left to right, to see if anyone else had witnessed the murder. He fell to the ground, and with sweat running from his brow, he furiously shoveled huge handfuls of sand to make a hole big enough to bury the body. The following day, he intervened in yet another dispute– this time between two Hebrew men. “What are you arguing about? Can I help?” he might have asked. When one of them asked if he was a self-appointed judge like he had been the day before, adrenaline pumped through Moses’ veins as he headed toward the backside of the desert. Perhaps there he would be safe from his life crime-stained life. Perhaps there he could begin life anew. 

  1. What do you think motivated Moses to become so involved in the two disputes?

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  1. What do you think was going through his head as he ran to the backside of the desert? 

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How Moses Saw God 

Those who are wounded wound others. Moses was wounded profoundly when he lost his birth family, his heritage and his history. In the years to come, he would come to know Jehovah-rophe, the Healer of life’s sicknesses and sorrows. Exodus 15: 26b says, “…for I am the Lord, who heals you.” 

How You See God

Please refer to the list of Names for Jesus in Scripture in Appendix B and list three to five names for God that stand out to you. It will be encouraging to look back when finished with the workbook and see how your perception has grown!

You can record your words here:

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How Other Adoptees Feel 

Check the statements with which you agree and explain why you checked them on the lines that follow: 

  • I am angry at my birth mother—she put me into the arms of a stranger when I had no say in the matter.
  • My anger comes out at the strangest times. 
  • I am angry with God for touching my life with adoption. Why did He choose me to suffer like this? 
  • I am angry when others treat me like a child—like hospital officials do when I request a copy of my birth record. They say to me in a condescending voice, “Now, dear, are you an adoptee?” 
  • I am angry that my birth parents abandoned me. I am angry that I can’t have a “normal” birth certificate. I have to have an amended one that removes any record of my history. 
  • I can’t get hold of the idea that she (my birth mother) is alive and went on with life without me. 
  • I need to know that it is permissible for me to be angry with God about my adoption and that he welcomes my anger and is big enough to handle it. 
  • I need to know that anger means I am beginning to heal. The part of me that has been shut down is coming to life. 

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Learning about Adoption 

Anger, the other side of depression, is always waiting to be tapped in the adoptee. Anger that adoptees have built up over the years can erupt as uncontrollable rage. There is the unexpressed anger that they are adopted; anger that they are different; anger that they are powerless to know their origins; anger that they cannot express their real feelings in a family climate of denial. When this anger is allowed to build in a child over the years, it will eventually surface as aggression—stealing, setting fires, destroying property—and if left unresolved, as violence.

Journey of the Adopted Self, by Betty Jean Lifton

 What are adoptees angry about? Lots of things. They’re angry with people like me because we gave them away. They need an explanation or an apology. Of course they can’t get one because we’re nowhere to be found, which frustrates them and makes them mad as hell. Some are also angry because we sent them away from their ‘kind,’ abandoning them to an environment in which they suffer chronic, cumulative and vast feelings of unacceptability. They’re angry with people like you (adoptive parents) because they can’t explore the subject of adoption openly. Why? Because it makes you cringe. They’re also angry because you don’t understand how they feel, or worse, denigrate their feelings because you can’t relate to them…They are also angry because people in general treat adopted people differently: school teachers type-cast them, health-care professionals treat them as medical risks, outsiders consider them inferior by assuming that they are the spawn of people who came ‘from the other side of the tracks.

—“The Angry Adoptee” article in Quest: 

The Newsletter for KinQuest, by Carol Kimissaroff

 “Anger is a response to separation…”

Separation, Anxiety and Anger, by John Bowlby  

 “It’s easier to be mad than sad.”  Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D.

Putting my Feelings and Needs into Words 

  1. Do you see anger as a significant problem in your life? Do others? Explain.

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  1. What types of situations provoke your anger? 

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  1. When you were growing up, did you throw temper tantrums? At what age?

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  1. Can you recognize when you are angry? Do you have physical symptoms that accompany it 

(sweaty palms, racing heart, dry mouth, etc.)?

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  1. Were you allowed to express your anger in your adoptive home? 

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  1. How did your parents react when you expressed anger? 

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  1. Has anyone ever given you permission to be angry? 

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  1. Make an “anger list.

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  1. Have you ever experienced depression (the flip side of anger)? When?

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  1. What do you do when you are depressed?

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  1. Has anyone ever celebrated your anger, recognizing it is a necessary step in the healing process? Who? When?

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  1. What do you need most when you are angry? After you are angry?

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  1. What are some healthy ways of managing your anger?

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  1. What are some options for managing depression?

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Writing a Letter TO and FROM My Birth Mother 

  1. If you are aware of any anger about your birth mother placing you for adoption, write a letter TO her expressing it.

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  1. Write a letter FROM your birth mother to you in response to your thoughts.

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 Letters TO and FROM My Birth Mother

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Digging Deep for Answers to my Adoption Questions 

  1. Read Ephesians 4:26…“In your anger do not sin:” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…´ What does God say about anger?

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  1. Put Ephesians 4:26 in your own words.

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  1. Read Ephesians 4:26-27… “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” What happens when we don’t deal with anger on a daily basis?

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  1. Read Matthew 12:20… “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out,
    till he has brought justice through to victory.”
    What is God’s promise to those who are depressed? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  2. What does God promise to those who are depressed? See Psalm 18:28…You, LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

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  1. What did Job learn when he felt like he was in the dark? See Job 12:22…”He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light.”

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  1. What is the “take away” for you this week? How will your life change? 

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Thoughts, Insights, Goals and Prayers

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  If we don’t deal with the anger resulting from the original adoption wound that we discussed in chapter one, it comes to the surface when we least expect it. Keeping it submerged beneath our consciousness is like trying to keep a beach ball submerged under water. It is impossible! Sooner or later, it pops up! If we keep anger submerged, it turns into depression. Sometimes serious depression. In order to manage painful emotions, many of us fantasize about our birth families. That is a way of escape. We will talk about that next.

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CAPITULO TRES

“Me Enojo Fácilmente y Lastimo A Otros”
Éxodo 2

La Historia de Moisés

Ahora Moisés es un adulto. Un adulto inquieto. Inquietando a otros al mismo tiempo.

Decían que cuando era niño se enojaba fácilmente. Eran comunes los berrinches en el palacio acompañados por una profunda hostilidad hacia a Hatshepsut, su madre adoptiva.

¿De donde venía este enojo? ¿Y porqué era el choque con su madre adoptiva?

Un día el enojo de Moisés llegó a su máximo cuando el vio a un Egipcio abusando brutalmente de un esclavo Hebreo. Al ver que el hombre era cruelmente pateado y golpeado se acercó silenciosamente por atrás y tomó al egipcio por el cuello. Empezó a golpearlo sin piedad, primero en la cara y luego en el estomago. En segundos el egipcio murió. El hombre Hebreo que estaba allí se fugó mientras que Moisés frenéticamente volteaba al lado izquierdo y a la derecha para ver si había algún testigo del asesinato. Cayó al suelo y con el sudor corriendo por su frente, furiosamente movió con sus manos grandes cantidades de tierra para hacer un hoyo suficiente grande para enterrar el cuerpo.

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Al día siguiente, el intervino en otro disputa – esta vez entre dos hombres Hebreos. “¿De que estén discutiendo? ¿Puedo ayudar?” Pudo haber preguntado.page32image20548784

Cuando uno de ellos le preguntó si el se había autonombrado juez como el día anterior, la adrenalina corrió como nunca por la venas de Moisés. Con los dientes apretados y su cuerpo endurecido, huyó lo más rápido que se pudo hacia el lado opuesto del desierto.

Quizás allí el lograría salvar su vida, su vida manchado de crimen. Quizás allí podría empezar una vida nueva.

  1. ¿Que piensas que motivó a Moisés estar involucrado en estas dos disputas? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
  2. ¿Qué cree que estaba pensando cuando corrió a otro lado del desierto? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

Como Moisés Vio a Dios

Los que están heridos lastiman a otros. Moisés estaba lastimado profundamente cuando perdió a su familia de nacimiento, su herencia y su historia. En los años por venir, el conocería a Jehová-rophe, el Sanador de la enfermedades y sufrimientos de la vida. Éxodo 15:26b dice,…”Yo soy el Señor, que les devuelve la salud.”page32image20552032

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Como Sienten Otros Hijos Adoptivos

  • Estoy enojado con mi madre de nacimiento – ella me puso en los brazos de un extraño cuando yo no tenía palabra en el asunto.
  • Mi enojo sale en momentos muy extraños.
  • Estoy enojado con Dios por relacionar mi vida con la adopción. ¿Porque Elme escogió para sufrir así?
  • Estoy enojado cuando los otros me tratan como un niño – como los oficialesde los hospitales cuando pido una copia de mi acta de nacimiento. Me hablanen una voz condescendiente, “Ay cariño, ¿eres un hijo adoptivo?”.
  • Estoy enojado porque mis padres de nacimiento me abandonaron.
  • Estoy enojado porque no puedo tener un acta de nacimiento “normal”. Tengoque tener una corregida que quita cualquier mención de mi historia.
  • No puedo entender la idea que ella (mi madre de nacimiento) esta viva y queesta haciendo su vida sin mí.
  • Necesito saber que me está permitido estar enojado con Dios sobre miadopción y que El acepta mi enojo y es Suficiente Grande para manejarlo.
  • Necesito saber tener enojo quiere decir que estoy empezando a sanar. La partede mí que estaba apagada esta empezando a vivir.

1. Subraya las frases de arriba con las que te identificas. Escribe los pensamientos que te surgen sobre lo que has subrayada.

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Aprendiendo Sobre la Adopción

“El enojo, el otro lado de la depresión, siempre está esperando golpear al hijo adoptivo. El enojo que los hijos adoptivos han acumulado a través de los años puede hacer erupción en una furia incontrolable. Hay un enojo que no expresado por ser hijos adoptivos; enojo porque que son diferentes; enojo por la impotencia acerca de conocer sus origines; enojo por no poder expresar sus sentimientos reales en una ambiente familiar de negación. Cuando se permite que este enojo se acumule en un niño a través de los años, eventualmente sale como agresión – robando, causando incendios, destrucción de propiedad – y si se deja sin resolver, como violencia,” escribe Betty Jean Lifton, Jornada del Ser Adoptivo.

Carol Kimissaroff, en un articulo llamado “Los Hijos Adoptivos Enojados” que aparece en Quest: The Newsletter for KinQuest, dice: “¿De que están enojados los hijos adoptivos? De muchas cosas. Están enojados con gente como yo porque los abandonamos. Ellos necesitan una explicación o una disculpa. Por supuesto no pueden tener ni la explicación ni la disculpa porque no nos pueden encontrar, y esto les frustra y les hace enojar. Algunos de ellos también están enojados porque los mandamos lejos de su “gente”, abandonándolos en un ambiente en que se sufren grandes sentimientos de inaceptabilidad que son crónicos y acumulativos. Están enojados con gente como ustedes (padres adoptivos) porque ellos no pueden explorar el tema de adopción abiertamente. ¿Por qué? Porque a ustedes los hace titubear. También están enojados porque ustedes no entienden como se sienten ellos, o peor, denigrar sus sentamientos porque ustedes no asocian éstos pensamientos. Están enojados porque la gente en general trata diferente a los hijos adoptivos… los maestros los estereotipa, los profesionales en el cuidado de la salud los tratan como un riesgo médico, otros los consideren inferiores asumiendo que ellos son el engendro de gente que viene “del otro lado de las vías”

John Bowlby dice en Separación, Ansiedad y Enojo, “El enojo es una respuesta a la separación.”

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Poniendo Mis Sentimientos y Necesidades en Palabras

  1. ¿Ves al enojo como un problema significativo en tu vida? ¿Otras personas? Explicar.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  2. ¿Qué tipo de situaciones provocan tu enojo? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  3. ¿Cuándo estabas creciendo, hacías berrinches? ¿A que edad? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  4. ¿Puedes reconocer cuando estas enojado? ¿Tienes síntomas físicos (manos sudadas, latidos rápidos de corazón, boca seca, etc.)? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  5. ¿Te permitieron expresar tu enojo en tu casa adoptiva? __________________________________________________________________
  6. ¿Cómo reaccionaron tus padres cuando expresaste enojo? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  7. ¿Alguna vez alguien te ha dado permiso para estar enojado? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

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  1. Haz una “lista de enojos.” __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  2. ¿Has experimentado depresión (el lado opuesto del enojo)? ¿Cuándo? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  3. ¿Qué es lo que haces cuando estas deprimido? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  4. ¿Alguna vez alguien ha celebrado tu enojo sabiendo que es un paso necesario en el proceso de saneamiento? ¿Quién? ¿Cuándo? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  5. ¿Qué es lo que haces cuando estas enojado? ¿Después que estas enojado? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  6. ¿Cuales son algunas maneras saludables para manejar tu enojo?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  7. ¿Cuáles son algunas opciones para manejar depresión?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Escribiendo Una Carta a Mi Madre de Nacimiento

  1. Si estas conciente de algún enojo hacia tu madre de nacimiento por darte en adopción, escribe una carta PARA ella expresando tu enojo. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  2. Escribe una carta DE tu madre de nacimiento imaginando lo que ella puede decir en respuesta a tu carta. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

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Profundizando a Fondo para las Respuestas a mis Preguntas Sobre Adopción.

1. Lee Efesios 4:26. ¿Qué dice Dios sobre el enojo? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

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  1. Escribe Efesios 4:26 en tus propios palabras. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  2. Lee Efesios 4: 26-27. ¿Que es los que pasa cuando no tratamos con el enojo diariamente?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  3. Lee Mateo 12:20. ¿Cuál es la promesa de Dios para los que están deprimidos? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  4. ¿Cuál es la promesa de Dios para los que están deprimidos según el Salmo 18:28? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  5. ¿Qué aprendió Job cuando el sintió que estaba en la oscuridad? Ver Job 12:22. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
  6. ¿Qué es lo que te llevas al completar esta capitulo? ¿Cómo va a cambiar tu vida? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

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Pensamientos, Percepciones, Metas y Oraciones

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Si no manejamos el enojo que resultó de la herida original de la adopción que hablamos en el primer capitulo, entonces el enojo surgirá cuando menos lo esperamos. Dejándolo sumergido en nuestras consciencias es como tratar que una pelota llena de aire se quede sumergida en el agua. ¡Es imposible! ¡Tarde o temprano sale! Si dejamos sumergido el enojo, se vuelve depresión. Algunas veces depresión muy seria. Tratando de manejar emociones dolorosas, muchos de nosotros tenemos fantasías acerca de nuestras familias de nacimiento. Es una manera de escapar. Vamos hablar sobre esto en el siguiente capitulo.

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