In order to communicate this foundational truth, I’m using two words: relinquishment and adoption. When the First Mother signs off parenting rights, the term “relinquished” is apropos. This word refers to pre-adoption pain and trauma. However, when your child is placed, this is adoption, and it is positive, for it provides a forever home for an orphaned child. Of course, there are bad actors amongst adoptive and foster parents. But, adoption itself is positive. Adoption doesn’t mean a certain set of societal professions arrange it, but instead, it means that the homeless child is legally placed in a home where parenting is provided. For example, the adoption can be a lawyer(s) arranging the legalities, family members stepping up to parent, or foster parents adopting through DCS.
Adoptees Suffer Phantom Pain
Adoptive and foster parents, would you consider the possibility of phantom pain in regard to your adopted child’s relinquishment wound? A great example of an amputee with phantom pain is Amy Purdy, the Olympian whose legs were amputated from the knees down. The location of pain for an amputee is the body, brain, and spirit. […]
What Made Me A Kick-Ass Adoptee
Hell yes, adoptees are angry! Excuse my French…I’m just a veteran adoptee, finally free from anger’s choking grip, and ready to hunt bear on behalf of my fellow adoptees and foster kids who believe that their anger might be a life sentence.
Up until now, most adoptees have believed there’s no hope for resolving overwhelming and uncontrollable anger issues. They accept “I’m just an angry person” misbelief. Many adoption agencies hid the topic of our anger, hoping eager, naive, prospective parents won’t find out about it before homecoming day. Truth be told, the majority of adoptive and foster parents are terrified of adoptee anger, for they can’t spank it away, teach it away, woo it away, or love it away. It’s no wonder adoptees haven’t learned to find freedom from anger issues. The solution wasn’t in sight.
How One Adoptee Got Triggered
Specific present-day circumstances can trigger my profound wound of losing Elizabeth, my first Mom. What I’m about to share is personal and I’m asking that you’ll read with mercy and grace. I hope this post will be helpful to both adoptive parents and fellow adoptees who struggle with abandonment and rejection issues. Perhaps, for these, the flow of painful memories might be uncontrollable. And, these painful memories become triggers that cause a meltdown or shut down.
Identifying With Fellow Adoptee Anne With An “E”
Most adoptive parents will identify with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The mother and father were brother and sister and had never raised children. They made typical mistakes that almost all parents do, but the challenges were often magnified because they had no backstory, no parental training or education, and no awareness that parenting an adopted child is taxing, to say the least. Anne really got on their nerves with her hyper excitement and boldness in relationships.
Most adoptive parents will identify with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The mother and father were brother and sister and had never raised children. They made typical mistakes that almost all parents do, but the challenges were often magnified because they had no backstory, no parental training or education, and no awareness that parenting an adopted child is taxing, to say the least. Anne really got on their nerves with her hyper excitement and boldness in relationships.Most adoptive parents will identify with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The mother and father were brother and sister and had never raised children. They made typical mistakes that almost all parents do, but the challenges were often magnified because they had no backstory, no parental training or education, and no awareness that parenting an adopted child is taxing, to say the least. Anne really got on their nerves with her hyper excitement and boldness in relationships.Most adoptive parents will identify with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The mother and father were brother and sister and had never raised children. They made typical mistakes that almost all parents do, but the challenges were often magnified because they had no backstory, no parental training or education, and no awareness that parenting an adopted child is taxing, to say the least. Anne really got on their nerves with her hyper excitement and boldness in relationships.Most adoptive parents will identify with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The mother and father were brother and sister and had never raised children. They made typical mistakes that almost all parents do, but the challenges were often magnified because they had no backstory, no parental training or education, and no awareness that parenting an adopted child is taxing, to say the least. Anne really got on their nerves with her hyper excitement and boldness in relationships.Most adoptive parents will identify with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The mother and father were brother and sister and had never raised children. They made typical mistakes that almost all parents do, but the challenges were often magnified because they had no backstory, no parental training or education, and no awareness that parenting an adopted child is taxing, to say the least. Anne really got on their nerves with her hyper excitement and boldness in relationships.Most adoptive parents will identify with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The mother and father were brother and sister and had never raised children. They made typical mistakes that almost all parents do, but the challenges were often magnified because they had no backstory, no parental training or education, and no awareness that parenting an adopted child is taxing, to say the least. Anne really got on their nerves with her hyper excitement and boldness in relationships.
Now, I was like Anne today. Much to my husband’s dismay, I bought a beautiful flowering plant with vivid red blossoms. We already had nice spring plants on our porch, but I knew this one would be a show stopper. When I carried it through the front door from the car, my emotions were sky high. I said to husband, “This is going to be so beautiful on our porch! I have wanted a plant like this all my life.” Did you catch the enthusiasm. So, husband, whose had 55 years experiencing the realities of living with an adopted person, gently said, “Well, I’m glad you got what you’ve always wanted.”
I’m going to provide some characteristics of Anne and perhaps adoptive parents can use as talking points to draw children in.
The Unexpected Variables of Adoptive Parenting
Who can even imagine how Retha felt? Perhaps, like a bucket of ice water had been thrown on her? She must have shaken in shock, like we all do when something unfathomable happens. It would be easy for her to read rejection into my screams. “Maybe my baby doesn’t like me, or maybe I’m not suited to be this baby’s Mom. If I were, Sherrie would have snuggled into my welcoming arms immediately.” Perhaps, Retha could have put me back into my grandmother’s arms and spoken comforting words, like, “I know you miss your First Mother. I am sad about that, too. But, I’m here for you now and I’ll never, ever, leave you. I will love you forever.”
What Adoptees & Moms Need for Healing
how do adoptive Moms and kids know that they need healing? Through an MRI of their hearts. Because many adoptive Moms and adopted kids repress deep pain, they’re exhausted and lose their joy. No one tells them that this unrecognized pain is still active, creating emotions and beliefs that sometimes prompt shocking reactions to life events. These reactions are like a geyser boiling beneath, ready to erupt at unforetold times. Because many adoptive Moms and adopted kids repress this pain, they’re exhausted and lose their joy. Empathy drains and parenting becomes a dreaded responsibility. Adoptees may believe that there’s no hope of getting over their rage–it feels like a life sentence.
Adoptees Can Grow Amidst Birth Family Rejection
Rejection. Just the sound of the word sends chills up my spine!
Rejection is the dark side of the search and reunion process. The
agonizing side. The side that is rarely, if ever, talked about, the side media never covers.
However, rejection need not define us. Here’s why.
An Adoptee’s Pearls from The Oyster of Adoption
1. Anyone can make love, but only God can create a life. (credit: Lee Ezell) 2. Even though my birth parents didn’t plan my life, God did. My life is not a mistake. 3. Every day of my life was planned before any one of them ever came to be—no coincidences! 4. I was removed […]
Many Adopted Kids Want Parents to Address Their Curiosities About Birth Family
Is it okay to ask the hospital where I was born for my medical records? Is it okay to ask for non-identifying information about my birth mother and birth father? Is it okay to say that I’m curious about them and might like to meet them some day? Is it okay to be angry about my birth mother’s decision to relinquish? Is it okay to search for my birth family? Is it okay to seek out other birth relatives if my birth mother rejects me at our reunion?
These are a few of the questions that haunt many adoptees. Remember the story in chapter one about the young adoptee, who after hearing her mother make a casual reference to her birth mother, sheepishly asked, “Is it all right to talk about that?” That’s a good example of a tortoise-like remark! In spite of all the advantages this young adoptee had, her hesitancy and fear remained.
Chapter 7–Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish