Every year, while packing away Christmas tree ornaments, I hold a round heirloom-looking piece burnished with gold and silver, resembling an antique doily. Older adults created heirlooms in another era because they were gifts, or legacies, from one generation to another.
Lol. The word “legacy“ may prompt thoughts of a family seated around a lawyer’s desk, listening to the last wishes of a departed loved one. But legacies aren’t just about funerals and caskets. Legacies are about living life to the fullest. They’re about creating, not just leaving.
In some ways, the word legacy reminds me of Retha, my mom through adoption, and the heirloom of love she created during her 70 years of life. Retha wasn’t aware she was creating a legacy, and neither was I. She didn’t make any mementos, take professional photos, or design a special box for me to open on the day of her death. No…truth be told, nothing so lofty entered her mind, and on many days, she wondered if she’d make it through the challenges of the day.
But that didn’t make the heirloom she was creating any less accurate. It was as real as the air you breathe, as precise as the freckles on a child’s face. An essential point about Retha was that she felt like a failure as a mom because she couldn’t see the fruits of her parenting. Like any mom, adoptive or not, who wants to be a blessing to their children, Retha wanted this wholeheartedly. This lack of awareness must have been disappointing for Retha after such a successful career teaching elementary school children. The parents of these children often expressed their appreciation for the cursive notes she wrote on their report cards.
How Shame Sneaks In
When adoptive moms can’t see evidence that their parenting is blessing their children, shame sneaks in. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt tells us we’ve done something wrong. Shame tells us that there’s something wrong with us. Synonyms for shame are contempt, humiliation, irritation, remorse, scandal, and stigma.
Shame sneaks in through lies:
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You’re a loser, mom. No wonder your child isn’t thriving.
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You don’t have what it takes to parent an adopted child.
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You couldn’t have your “own child.“
Shame blocked Retha’s joy. Yes, she was happy when I was elected homecoming representative for the first-year class, but only my dad came to see me riding on the back of the convertible. It was that way for my wedding, also. Instead of being happy that I was marrying the love of my life, she wore a black velvet dress and veiled hat. Sometimes, I wonder if she confided in anyone about her perceived inability to parent. Would my grandmother listen? Would her husband? I doubt that she’d tell anyone.
Shame Blocks Joy
The sad thing about Retha’s life is that this shame, even if she were alive today, would keep her from understanding and enjoying the fact that she was a successful mom. Even though, on her 70th birthday, I hosted a weekend party for her and four friends in Canada, she couldn’t enjoy it fully. If I could go back to the last years of her life, assuming I had the maturity and health I have now, I’d say, “Come on, Mom, let me take your hand, and let’s walk toward the old shack in which shame resides. It won’t be easy for you, but in the end, you will find proof that you created a legacy of love for me.“
How To Eradicate Shame
The concept of visiting the shack of shame reminds me of when my husband and brother cleared their late parent’s dilapidated workshed on the family farm. After hours of sifting through cobwebs, rat droppings, and bat nests, they discovered two multi-faceted pieces of glass wrapped in moldy newspapers. They wondered if the artifacts could have originated from the famous glass company called Steuben. Suddenly, a memory about their late Uncle popped into their minds. Could this Uncle who collected rare books also possess valuable Steuben glass? Just consider how meaningful it would have been for my husband and brother if they’d found an accompanying journal that explained the history of these collectibles and why they had such significance to their Uncle.
Creating A Legacy of Love
Moms can still create a legacy of love for your adopted child. The challenge of creating a legacy may seem frightening. Do you wonder if you can do something that sounds impossible? Here’s the truth: YOU are the legacy to your child. Yes, you, for your everyday life is the heirloom of love to the next generation… every inch of you that lives the daily grind. Your strengths and weaknesses, challenges and failures, dreams and goals. Your broken heart and persevering spirit.
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