Man Catching Hot Potato

The Hot Potato of Adoptee Anger

“Adopted and foster kids have every right to be angry. We are wounded beyond belief. We’ve judged by media and places of worship, misunderstood, labeled as losers, shamed, pitied, abused, misrepresented, ignored, shunned, marginalized, orphaned and sent away with our few belongings in a black trash bag.”

I’m pleased to be able to offer a new way that adoptees can be finding healing and freedom from uncontrollable anger triggers. ’m just an old adoptee, finally free from toxic anger’s choking grip, and ready to hunt bear. I want my fellow adoptees to be free also. You too, if you’re in an unintentional, adversarial relationship with your adopted child.

What Is Anger?

Anger is a God-given emotion, but it can become toxic when we carry hatred and bitterness in our hearts. Bitterness sneaks in with loss, which we can all identify. Without words, it wraps its gangly arms around our loss and makes us think it is “us” or just “sad.”

What Is Adoptee Anger?

Up until now, our anger was the hot potato in the arena of adoption. No one dared talk about it because the solution wasn’t in site.

Adoption Agencies

Adoption agencies hid our adoptee anger in the bushes, hoping that eager, naive, prospective parents won’t  find it. After all, they’d lose clients and reputation, but most of all, money. 

Adoptive and Foster Parents

Truth be told, adoptive and foster parents are probably terrified of adoptee anger, for they can’t spank it away, teach it away, woo it away, or love it away.

Adoptees and Foster Kids

For adoptees, we fear our tiger-like anger originates from a hidden character flaw, possibly from a missing generation. If we hear others talking about “the bad gene,” we wonder if it’s us.

Our anger can’t be separated from the frail, cell-based, DNA-informed, providentially-placed essence of who we are.

And, without either desiring it, unresolved adoptee anger binds adoptive moms and kids together, in an unintended stressful relationship. Neither are to blame.

However, both adoptees and moms must learn to navigate individually, with the common goal of healing from our individual part in an un-invited, adversarial-like relationship.

Sign up at the bottom for future posts in which I’ll share “next steps” and news about my upcoming book on this topic.

In addition, there is a new podcast on this topic!

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