Waking Up from Reactive Attachment Disorder

It’s beautiful plus challenging to wake up from reactive attachment disorder. I’ve been transformed in my body, soul, and spirit. I have new eyes.

This transformation occurred and continues through my faculty of forgiveness, which my Creator wired inside me. I thought I already knew what forgiveness meant, but it was marginal.

For example, when Elizabeth, my first mom, rejected me after our reunion, churchy people pointed the finger and said, “Forgive.” I wrote a sentence of forgiveness in my journal and traveled on. I had no idea of the depth that wound inflicted, even though I had to be hospitalized in mid-life for depression.

I couldn’t feel my feelings. Through three years of hard inner work, I realized many feelings could be recovered. In essence, I needed spiritual surgery. I needed the Great Physician to probe the wound and tell me what lies and what adoptee fantasies were buried there. I needed to feel my birth mother’s betrayal, even in the womb, which felt like a Judas kiss.

The other person I’ve chosen to forgive is Retha, my late mom through adoption. I can feel her love for the first time. This love is like gentle waves on a sandy beach.

I needed to forgive her for not being my first mother and for the times that she was emotionally absent and unable to perceive my needs. I remembered sitting by the heat duct, curled up, trying to feel safe and warm. I wish she had quit plucking her eyebrows and asked me if I needed a hug.

But we’re all human. She wasn’t perfect, and neither was I as a mom to our two daughters. We need to live in grace.

If I were authentic, I’d tell you about the downside of healing from reactive attachment disorder. What happens is I can see my unique needs in a new light.

No Informational Data

I have little to no historical knowledge base. Because of my traumatized brain, I couldn’t read in elementary and high school. I didn’t read a whole book until I was in my forties.

Thus, I get numb when family members are having great conversations about historical facts. There are no facts within to draw from. I have to remind myself that I’m not stupid but bright in other ways, like figuring out how to do podcast interviews and/ or writing books.

Inability to Think Logically

I am unable to think logically. When I write a blog post like this to you, I have to re-examine it to make it sound understandable. My brain is incredibly creative but not logical, which creates tremendous inner strain when writing or speaking to others.

Learning Difficulties

I have dyslexia, so I can’t get numbers and letters in the correct order. When I went to vote yesterday, it took me 20 minutes. When I looked at the ballot, my mind went numb. Finally, two people came over and helped me complete it successfully,

No Strangers

I consider everyone a friend, even the waiters on the cruise ship serving me a cup of jo. One asked, “Why do you want to take a photo with me?

I am learning that no one has the time and energy to be everyone’s friend. It adds a lot of pressure. Nonetheless, I have tried to stay in contact with everyone I’ve known for the past 78 years.

The positive side is that I would be a great greeter at church! Haha. My outgoing personality would offer a huge smile as I open the door.

Let me add that I feel loved as never before by family and friends, but especially by God through His indwelling Spirit.