Category Archives: adoption search

An Adoptee’s Search for the Missing Face

Finding the MIssing FAce

An adoptee searches for a face in a crowd that resembles her own. If we could only see the face of the lost birth mother/father, the hurt would magically disappear. The grief would be resolved and the life-long repercussions of traumatic adoption loss would be mitigated. Oops…adoptee fantasy. True, those who have found the missing face through reunion have experienced

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Thinking Logically Seems Impossible for Attachment Disordered Kids

Are you kidding? Logical thinking.

Dear friends through adoption… Last week, Bob and I were painting my office. I got all the color chips and showed him the best colors. Within two hours, I changed my mind, and by the next morning, again. The following day, other colors and then back to the first. “I just can’t track with you!” Bob said, leaving the room,

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One Adoptee’s 69th Birthday Reflections

“Look!” the people around the campfire called out, pointing to the cypress trees that lined the famous Monterrey, California grill. Suddenly, a bagpiper came out of the woods, playing a melancholy tune. She wore authentic bagpiper regalia, walking through the field toward us. It was a special touch to an evening that we didn’t think could be any better. That’s

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What Reuniting Adoptees Need to Hear from Birth Relatives

Experts say that when birth mothers and their children reunite, it is like one thousand emotions all at once. Supposedly, both return to the place of separation. Yikes, talk about vulnerability! Everyone is afraid of saying the wrong thing, for we all know that words can hurt or heal. We tiptoe around “on eggshells.” Thus, it is helpful for all

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I Need to Know the Truth About My Conception, Birth, and Family History, No Matter How Painful the Details May Be

The late Betty Jean Lifton, author of Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, describes the adoptee’s growing awareness of his desire to know more about his biological family as an awakening: “The act of adoption puts us under a spell that numbs our consciousness. When we awaken it startles us to realize we might have slept our lives away, floating

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Mother’s Day Tips for Rejected Adoptees

When I returned from my reunion with my birth mother twenty years ago and called to thank her for the visit, she announced to me that she wanted no more contact. Twenty years ago, there wasn’t anything written about this experience and I felt so ashamed and was sure the rejection was because of something I did. So, for fellow

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Adoption Pearls from the All-Adoptee ICU

A lesson from nature teaches us that pain is the catalyst that makes the precious pearl. Through all the tough issues adoptees work through in the All-Adoptee ICU, pearls of wisdom are formed. Here is my “take” on the pearls. How about yours? 1. Anyone can make love, but only God can create a life. 2. Even though my birth

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All-Adoptee ICU Signs of Recovery

Here are a few of the signs that adoptees have healed: • “I have a unique life purpose…I can see how God is working in my life!” • “I can now take rejection in stride!” • “I can now see my adoption experience through God’s eyes!” The link for the All-Adoptee Online Group is: all-adoptees@yahoogroups.com. This is valuable to adoptees,

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An ICU for Hurting Adoptees?

Where can you take an adoptee for intensive help? If you go to the psych unit at the hospital, they don’t even mention adoption-related trauma as a possible issues of depression, anxiety, or self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. There is a place, online, where adoptees can go and be with other adoptees who’ve been where they are and who will help

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Don’t Tell Anybody My Secret….I Was Adopted

“Was I a bad baby, Mom?” young Stephen asked after his parents told him about his adoption. “Was there something wrong with me?…Is that why they didn’t want me?…Was I a bad baby?” His parents, startled by Stephen’s poignant questions, gathered their composure and reassured their son that the “giving up” didn’t have anything to do with him. Yet when

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Adoptees Ready to Launch?

Sometimes It's Hard for Adoptees to Say Goodbye

Children want and need to become their own persons. Adopted kids seek autonomy, too, while at the same time needing a safe place to verbalize the conflicting emotions that being adopted often evokes. The task of individuating for the adopted child is unique as well as complex, for it involves the dual-identity once again. With each step the adoptee takes

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Changing Adoptee’s Name? Yay or Nay?

Changing an adopted child’s name is of great concern to parents of internationally and domestically adopted children. One mother wrote, “When a child is adopted at age five or six, or later, do you feel it’s appropriate to change the child’s name? Should we ask our child? Doesn’t changing the name give the message that the birth family is bad,

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How Adoptees Think About Their Birth Mothers

All children, adopted or not, have secret places within where they can fantasize about perfect parents. They travel to these places when disillusioned with their own parents. Freud called this the family romance theory. When the non-adopted child learns around age seven or eight that his parents have both negative and positive characteristics, their fantasies dissipate. It’s not that simple

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