Good Little Adoptees Must Let Go of Pleasing

Dear friends through adoption,

As I began searching in earnest for my birth mother, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to let go of deep feelings of loyalty to my Mom and Dad. I was loyal to a fault, always wanting to please them and not knowing that beneath it all was attachment disorder symptoms as well as unresolved grief.

Here’s an illustration to let you see what I mean. My parents, Retha and Mike Cook from St. Johns, Michigan, loved to golf. I didn’t like it at all, so when they went golfing, they would let me stay home. Yes, alone….and that’s another story.

One time when they were gone, I got the Pledge and the sweeper and boy, was I going to clean up the house for them. They would be so happy. When dusting my Mom’s dressing table, one of her gorgeous broaches lay open, and before I knew it, that broach was in my little hand (about 8 yrs old) and I was scratching this message into their fine furniture:

“I love you, Mommy” on the right side, and “I love you Daddy” on the left side.

When they got home, I led them through every room to show them how clean it was. When we got to the bedroom and they saw my scratched-in message, my Mom’s chin dropped. “We love you, too,” she stuttered.

If you’re not familiar with attachment disorder, this one is a classic.

Beneath the please-my-parents syndrome, however, was a deep fear of rejection. Would they ever reject me, their only child? My Mom never did, but it was a different story with my Dad later in life.

As adoptees, we need to let go of that need to be loyal to a fault…to please our parents, no matter how much effort it costs us. We need to let go.

This is not easy, but entirely possible!

Let me know about your experience, okay!

Thanks for visiting and reading, too:-)

What Adoptees Wish Others Would Say About Searching

Dear friends,

The reactions of my family members hurt and I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t back me searching for my birth mother. My husband said, “Sherrie, she shut the door 47 years ago and if you try to open it, you may get hurt.” Translating what my Dad might have been thinking…well, I don’t know. I can’t judge.

Please understand how important finding our roots is to many adoptees…I dare say the majority! It has nothing to do with your parenting success or failure. It is a part of us we must discover. That is the book title of well-respected author, speaker, and reunited birth mom, Lee Ezell– “The Missing Piece.” Listen to her incredible birth mother and adoptee reunion story here:

Even though we may look strong and ready, please remember we are petrified to get up on big wing of God, the great Eagle. To let him have his way in our lives. To give up control. We are just squawking baby eaglets when we get in touch with our desire to search. Those meltdowns are proof we are in touch with the original pain of losing our first family. Ouch. I don’t like you. I don’t like being adopted. You are real. I can’t wait to get away from you. Leave me alone. I don’t need you.

baby eagle. face

Let us feel the pain! It’s how we prepare for flying from our past. Rest assured, those who love an adoptee, that is common in the healthiest of adoptive parents to feel threatened. A counselor who specializes in adoption/trauma issues would be such a asset for both parents and searching adoptees.

What we wish others who love us would say and do:

1. I’m not surprised. Your birth parents are very important and we will back you.
2. I hope you will “count the cost” and make sure you are in a healthy place emotionally and spiritually to discover the worst or the best.
3. I am with you, no matter what happens. I have always loved you and that will never change.
4. How can I help?
5. Show compassion!
6. You can do it. I’ve got your back.
7. I am praying for you every step of the way.
8. Would you like to go through a workbook called Under His Wings together, or by yourself? It will help you get even stronger before you meet your birth family.

Please stay in touch and would you mind “liking” this new blog?

Thanks for stopping by!

An Adoptee’s Heart-Wrenching Decision to Search

Adoptees were made to fly!
    Adoptees were made to fly!

Dear friends through adoption,

After hearing my family’s silences, judgments, and sarcasm about possibly searching for my birth mother, I made a very difficult decision. It was a decision that was new to me, even though at the time, I was 47 years old.

I was like an overgrown eaglet who had stayed in the nest too long. Get me out of here, I was squawking. I’d stayed in the nest so long that all the sticks and thorns that lined the nest were hurting me. I needed to fly away from the thorns of pleasing others, putting others first, and listening to others before hearing what my own heart was saying.  I felt guilty, introspective, and terrified to go against everything my family and friends were telling me.

One Sunday, I heard a verse from the Bible that actually talked about searching. “There is a time to search….and a time to give up as lost.” (Ecclesiastes 3)

Oh, my goodness….it was as if those words jumped off the page at me!

Really? Really, God? Are You encouraging me to search? The God of the universe is encouraging me to search. Oh, could it be that He is that interested in little old me?

Go ahead and fly, Sherrie! I am the great Eagle and I will teach you to fly. Come on, get up on my big, powerful wing and look at the incredible life I have in store for you.

Wow! Could God Himself be encouraging me to search? Could it really be? Yes, it could be, and yes it was.

I took a look at the big, powerful wing. Oh my goodness, You are so strong, so powerful, so beautiful, so in charge of the whole world. Yes…yes….yes! I want to hop on Your wing and learn to fly.

Let me know about your process of finalizing your decision to search, okay? Have a great day!