What Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew
Rejected Parents
Why Does My Adopted or Foster Child Hate Me?Adoptive moms receive the brunt of adoptee anger. They are present, but the one whom the anger is really directed at is the birth mom, for disappearing from our lives…for kicking us out. That’s what it feels like.
Who Can Identify The Five Faces of Adoptee Anger?Envision a multi-dimensional circular, multi-colored feelings chart, including every emotion humans could ever experience. Such a chart reminds me of the diversity of reactions adoptees have about the emotion of anger in regard to being adopted. Some say they have no anger while others wonder if it’s a life sentence. Some say it’s not a struggle, while others secretly worry that it’s proof of a character defect. Some say it doesn’t exist, while others are overwhelmed by its presence. Why is this? Why the disparity? Why is it that many struggle and some don’t? Why are some the lucky few? Why do some find it impossible to control?
How Many Adoptees Are Rejected by Birth Relatives?Why do birth relatives reject some of us? Does our physical appearance remind our birth mothers of our fathers, whom they have no positive feelings for? Does seeing us trigger issues in them that they have never dealt with? Are they emotionally and mentally unbalanced? Or are they just downright mean? What does it mean to be rejected and how does it feel? Webster’s gives us a good start on understanding its basic message. “Refusing to have, take, or act upon. To refuse to accept a person. To rebuff. To throw away or discard as useless or unsatisfactory. To cast out or eject. Something rejected as an imperfect article.”
Why Adopted Kids Reject Their Mom’s LoveYour child wants you to know is that if she doesn’t grieve the adoption loss, her ability to receive love or attach emotionally to you and others in meaningful relationships may be seriously hindered. Dr. Daniel N. Stern, professor of psychiatry at Cornell University, says in his book, The Interpersonal World of the Infant, that there are certain developmental tasks every child, adopted or not, must accomplish in order to grow into a healthy adult. Stern says the first developmental stage (0-3 months) is homeostasis, which occurs when the baby is relaxed, alert and interested in the world. Stage two ( 0-7 months) involves attachment. It is here that the baby becomes interested in the caregiver and is especially responsive to smiles and touch, responding with pleasure and interest. In stage four (9-18 months), the baby shows a wide range of socially meaningful behaviors and is able to go from interaction to separation.
The Unexpected Variables of Adoptive ParentingWho can even imagine how Retha felt? Perhaps, like a bucket of ice water had been thrown on her? She must have shaken in shock, like we all do when something unfathomable happens. It would be easy for her to read rejection into my screams. “Maybe my baby doesn’t like me, or maybe I’m not suited to be this baby’s Mom. If I were, Sherrie would have snuggled into my welcoming arms immediately.” Perhaps, Retha could have put me back into my grandmother’s arms and spoken comforting words, like, “I know you miss your First Mother. I am sad about that, too. But, I’m here for you now and I’ll never, ever, leave you. I will love you forever.”
Taming Tantrums in Adopted and Foster ToddlersWhat is a parent to do when his/her adopted or foster child throws a full blown temper tantrum? Author Sherrie Eldridge shares tried tips she’s learned from adoption professionals in her travels.
Why Adopted and Foster Kids Believe They Don’t Belong AnywhereWhat is a secret that adoptees and foster kids guard? It’s their feelings of not belonging. They feel like a square peg in a round hole. Parents sometimes hurt instead of help…unknowingly. Sherrie Eldridge offers a challenge to both parents and kids.
Helping Your Adopted Child With Fears of AbandonmentFear and abandonment are inextricably woven together and tied into one big knot in the psyche and spirit of the adopted child. Think for a moment about the normal childhood fear of abandonment needing to be conquered by all of us. It is an illusion and not based on truth. However, for the adoptee, there is an added twist to the fear which makes it extremely difficult to overcome. The fear is not an illusion–it is a reality based on relinquishment from the birth mother. In addition, the birth mother herself is real (because she exists), yet an illusion (because the adoptee can’t see her). When you ponder these paradoxes, is it any wonder that adoptees struggle with fear?
