Why I Rejected My Adoptive Mom’s Gift…and Her

What Adoptive Mamas Can Do When Kids Reject Their Love and Them

If the President were pinning Purple Hearts on adoptive and foster mamas whose daily challenge is to pull drowning Adopted and foster kids from trauma tidal waves, my Mom would be there….for she saved my life in multiple ways.

Dad would be in the front row, beaming with pride….I hope.

And, me, I’d be sitting in the back row, ticked off. How could I be happy and proud of someone I hated?

Yes, that is the ugly truth.

I hated my mom.

Oh, please forgive us, for we know not what we are doing.

Mom died suddenly at age 70, when I was only 36. Dad died 11 years later.

Then, in my seventh chapter of life, warm memories of mom surfaced within me, like an old-fashioned slide show.

These memories weren’t necessarily about her achievements, but they could have been.

Instead, they consisted of her character and unspoken influence of love…eating her delicious apple pie on the front porch , feeling her oil-drenched fingertips massage my asthmatic chest, and a car trip to a farm to pick out a kitty—Dinny Dinwit.

Quite cognizant of the changes in perspective, I searched for information about brain chemistry, etc.

Then, I wondered if I was experiencing hallucinations…really!

Little did I imagine that I was healing from adoption wounds and receiving the love mom left for me.

When I say healing, I mean that something truly miraculous happened within me. Something I couldn’t have worked out no matter how hard I tried.

It was God’s powerful move in my life.

He gets all the credit.

Sometimes, it takes a lifetime for a legacy to be discovered by the next generation, but it is never lost.

So mamas, take heart. Your legacy of love to your child won’t be forgotten.

 

 

 

What Adoptive Mamas Can Do When Kids Reject Their Love and Them
The pain involved in the adoptive mother/child relationship is deep and often seems impossible to normalize. Sherrie Eldridge encourages adoptive mamas to know the intrinsic value of their love to their children by showing her own mom’s determined love in the midst of Sherrie’s fierce rejection.

 

 

 

 

Looking back, I declare mom to be a “Marine mom,” one of the proud, the few, the willing of heart to take whatever necessary for her child to experience love.

 

 

What If Adoptees and Foster Kids Discover They’re Royalty?

What If I'm a Queen

Is it possible that adoptees and foster kids could search for birth family and discover they’re royalty?

Maybe our DNA from Ancestry.com would reveal royalty that’s disappeared with the sands of time.

Would that change our view of ourselves?

In regard to this, I wonder how Queen Esther from Bible times felt when she became queen.

With that beautiful crown resting on her coiffed hair, she must have thought back in her life path.

Did you know that:

  • She was an orphan?
  • Her Uncle Mordaeci adopted her?
  • She didn’t come from a high social order?
  • A whole book in the Bible is written about her?
  • That she won the favor of the King with her beauty?
  • That she spoke for her people in front of the King?

Just put yourself in her place, fellow adoptees and foster kids!

What do you think her secret was?

Maybe it was a deep trust in the goodness of God and his purpose for her life, even though she had suffered the loss of her parents?

Maybe it was that she knew a God who redeems pain and turns it often into one’s life purpose?

Maybe it was her everyday faith and trust in a God who orders everything in life?

Surely, she must have marveled when her Uncle said: “Perhaps you have come to the Kingdom for such a time as this.”

So, fellow adoptees and foster kids, what can we glean from this story?

Here are a few things:

  • God controls all things.
  • God works all things together for our good…especially the really hard things.
  • God has a purpose for our lives.
  • In God’s eyes, we ARE royalty.
  • We are princesses and princes in God’s royal kingdom.

So, friends…let’s support one another…and go on with this knowledge.

And, look in the mirror.

Do you see royalty?

Put your imaginary crown on for the day on in faith, confident that God has a bright future for you.

I love you!

Why Adopted and Foster Kids Believe They Don’t Belong Anywhere

How Adoptees React to Others Trying to Help Them Belong

Adopted and foster kids would prefer hiding under pillows than believing they “don’t belong” in the family, school group, university, or place of worship.

They might describe “feelings of not belonging” like this:

  • Uncomfortable: A square peg being pushed into a round hole.
  • Judged: A tattoo on my forehead that says: “Weird.”
  • Unknown: An alien who was dropped into my parent’s home.”
  • Mixed Up: Fingernails over-the-blackboard feeling.
  • Confused: Spontaneous sense of belonging with bio relatives but not with mom and dad.

Of course, adoptive and foster parents cringe at these beliefs. They will do anything to comfort their children and convince them that they belong. Here are a few parental attempts:

  • Clanging Bell Approach: Mention as often as possible to the child that they belong, with an affectionate tap on the head.
  • Silent Approach: Just ignore anyone talking about the fact that child may suffer with this. It will go away in time.
  • Quivering-Lip Approach: If I cry, maybe my child will know how much he/she means to me.
  • Educational Approach: Find a book on Amazon called “You Belong.”
  • Gift Approach: Buy a necklace that says, “You belong.”

None of these approaches work.

In fact, they hurt rather than heal.

The Roots of “Not Belonging”

The root cause not belonging is genealogical bewilderment, which is articulated by the late Dr. Betty Jean Lifton in her best-selling book, LOST AND FOUND. Order here: https://tinyurl.com/y8wn87n6

Lifton says genealogical bewilderment comes from the fact that adoptees are confused about their origins.

In other words, “Who am I?”

She then adds another component: technical bewilderment, which means that adoptees are not able to cope with the confusion arising from the genealogical bewilderment.

What Parents Can Do

I know that the material above might be upsetting to parents. You never want to wound your children.

So, what is a parent to do with this information?

These are a few suggestions:

  1. Open an intentional conversation about common adoptee issues.  Your child will probably resist…but keep on…through prayer and time. We adoptees and foster kids don’t want to do anything to hurt or disappoint you, so we will clam up.
  2. Explain adoption dynamics in child-friendly terms. “Adoptees often struggle with things like ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Where did I come from?'”
  3.   Use visuals to facilitate teaching: I have an illustration…the Braid of Adoption that would be sufficient. With this, you can explain everyone’s place in the adoption triad.  –
    1. Red=adoptee or foster child (an amazing creation of nature and nurture …with incredible potential, rolled into one awesome person.
    2. Green ribbon= represents the first family, who provides first home (womb) for child and all the DNA gifts.
    3. Purple=adoptive/foster parents who nurture that gift of the bio parents.
    4. Gold=God’s power in and through all of us…for our good.
  4. *Braid for blog
  5. Clarify the two sources of identity: Bio family and adoptive/foster family
  6. Assure that you understand child’s confusion…who do I belong to? Who am I?
  7. Affirm love and respect for first family, thus giving him/her permission to talk with you about them in the future.
  8. Challenge: recognize feeling, remember not alone, choose to celebrate uniqueness of life.

For more in-depth information about the adoptee mindset, consider my third book: TWENTY LIFE-TRANSFORMING CHOICES ADOPTEES NEED TO MAKEhttps://tinyurl.com/ydx4ypn9