How Can Adopted and Foster Kids Grow In Spite of Parental Rejection?

When words fail for adoptive and foster parents the soluation is here

News flash: Adoptees and Foster Can Grow in Self-Esteem in the Midst of Parental Rejection

My heart breaks for fellow adoptees and foster kids who are being rejected. It doesn’t have to a monumental, in-your-face rejection, but it is rejection nonetheless.

For example:

  • Teen waits for birth parent to pick up for movie date but parent doesn’t show.
  • Child fantasizes on birthday that first mom will come to party but she doesn’t show up.
  • Adult reunites with birth siblings who only want to meet once and then ignores any desires to meet again.
  • Birth parent can’t deal with own loss and grief and outwardly disses her child.
  • Adopted child not told  truth about birth family (Life begins at adoption approach).
  • Adopted adult learns that sibling thinks her weird and blasts opinion on social media
  • Teen or adult gets “unfriended” on social media

You may not even want to read on…but you must, for something really positive can come from such an experience if God allows it to happen to your child.


Rejection from my birth mother years ago was devastating, but it was also life-defining. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, for God has used it to enable me to reach others who are experiencing similar rejection.


Reverend Ron Nydam, author of WISE ADOPTIVE PARENTING (,) specified how to do rejection well from a Jewel Among Jewels Adoption News article (Winter 1999): “Doing rejection successfully means opening the door to a full life as an adult who can do self-acceptance and intimacy in spite of a parent’s negative opinion. Our self-esteem can never be something that someone else is in charge of.”


“On the day you were born, you were thrown out into an field, unwanted. But I came by and saw you lying there, and I said, “Live, thrive, like a plant in the field. And you did! You became a jewel among jewels.” (Ezekiel 16:4-7 LB)



What adoptee or foster kid doesn’t love recalling the past and then affirming the present. Affirming that yes, the past was incredibly painful, but I’m not there anymore. I’m living in the present with an awesome future ahead of me.

Our painful past does not define our future…but it does make us stronger and wiser.








Parents Can Bypass Shame When Explaining Adoption Relinquishment

What are we adoptees to do when we are told that we are “given away because our birth moms loved us?”

Please assure us that it wasn’t about us.

Here’s how:

Your Desire to Connect: Parents don’t want child to feel rejected. Often, they counter their overwhelming fear and anxiety by  shedding a positive light on first (second, or third, or fourth) mom.  Parents might say….

Well-Intentioned Statement: “Your birth mom loved you so much that she gave you to us.”

My adoptee heart is crying out….ohhhhh, no!

Adoptee and Foster Kid Translation: “Love is what got rid of me. Why would I want YOUR love?”

What to Say…The Heart Language of Adopted and Fostered Kids: “Your first parents weren’t able to parent ANY baby, child, or teen at that time.”

So, parents, your fear is understandable, but don’t let it sidetrack you from communicating your child’s heart language.


The Beautiful Braid of Adoption

I can already hear boos coming about this post. Many people believe adoption is a bad thing that should be avoided at all costs.

Even though I am a huge fan of family preservation (doing whatever to keep a child with his mama), I know from personal experience that staying in a family that is wrought with evil and dysfunction is not in the child’s best interest.

In my case, in my 72nd chapter of life, I am so thankful that I was adopted and that God, in his infinite wisdom, removed me from both birth parental influence so that I could be safe and loved.

I believe this metaphor is about adoption through God’s eyes. We need to remember we live in a fallen, broken world, however. Our ribbon in the braid may tattered, torn, and seemingly beyond repair.

We need to work together…all in the adoption triad…to find healing and wholeness.

So, with those things in mind, consider this piece.

Long, long ago, before anyone in the whole world was born, God thought about you, and He smiled.

He envisioned the incredible the person you would become and the Life He wanted to give.

Would you believe….he knew about every single day of your life before any one of them ever came to be.

Then, He made a beautiful braid of shining ribbons and named it adoption.

There were three colors in His braid: green, purple, and red.

The green ribbon is your birth family. They gave you many gifts– your first home was your birth mother’s womb. DNA was from both your birth mother and father.

You weren’t in her womb by yourself. God was there with you all the time, taking the wonderful things about your birth mother and father and weaving them together to make you.

The things you like to eat, like ketchup on scrambled eggs or big, sour pickles may have come from your birth parents. The things you are good at—playing sports or painting pictures—they may be gifts that were passed on to you from your birth  parents.

You may never get to meet your birth parents, but even if you don’t, they will always be a very important part of you.

Your mom and dad are the purple ribbon. God knew that you needed your mom and dad to become the person He wanted you to be, so He lifted you from your birth parents and plunked you into their arms. They gave you a home, a family, and love. Most of all, they told you how Jesus died on the Cross to forgive you for all the times you are naughty.

YOU are the red ribbon—a unique weaving together of nature and nurture into one marvelous human being, with awesome potential. God planned your adoption and who planned who your birth parents and mom and dad would be.

Even though God created the braid, He wants you work with Him as you grow up to make the braid longer and stronger.

How do you work with Him?

Every time you learn something about your adoption, whether you feel happy, sad, glad, or mad, talk to Him. That’s called prayer. You don’t have to use fancy words. Just say, ” I need You,” and you’ll see He’s the Kindest Friend you could ever have.

Every time you talk with Him, your braid will grow stronger and longer.

There’s a super thing you’ll discover about the braid every time talk to God in prayer. Look real close and you’ll see a shiny gold cord woven around all the ribbons– in and out, round and about.

The golden cord is there to remind you that God made the braid and you never have to be afraid that He will leave you.

He promises to be with you always!