Lately, I find myself asking, “If you knew before you were born, would you have signed up for the life you’re living?
Would I have signed up for:
- Being an unplanned baby, called Baby X
- Not being able to see my birth mother’s face from birth until reunion at 47 years old
- Feeling ill at ease in any family or group context for years
- Hypervigilance. The doc who said I was ultra sensitive emotionally and even physically, yet never named PTSD. It just wasn’t associated with adoption.
- Moving multiple times internationally, which removed lasting friendships
- Experiencing birth mother rejection after reunion
- Hearing the doc say I have SLE Lupus
- Spending 10 days in the Stress Center
Who would want to sign up for these things?
Who would choose suffering instead of a problem free life?
For me, if God showed me the suffering I would face, I might not sign up to walk through it.
But, looking back, I certainly would choose exactly what has come my way.
For, the suffering has given me a:
- Song in the night.
- Purpose for my life that will last long after I’m gone.
- Trust that I’ve never been alone, even as a newborn in an incubator for 10 days.
- Unshakeable identity. I know whose I am in spite of two sets of parents.
- Worth. I know that God meets me in special ways that only I can understand.
- Faith. Knowing God is good is all I need in horrible times.
And, so the answer to my question is of whether or not I would show up and accept a painful past, the answer is YES!
I will live to the max whatever comes my way.